I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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