goodnight i made you a song goodbye
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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