i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
