He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
