i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
