Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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