Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
