Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i out mim tonsoeep
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