We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
