Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
