Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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