Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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