Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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