I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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