I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
