The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
