like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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