fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
