It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
