guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
