During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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