I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
