He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
