I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
