I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it glows. i had to have it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
