I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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