True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize