her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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