I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
