hotel room ftw
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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