Sry I called you an 8
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
