Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
