Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
