My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
