Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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