the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
