4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Randomize
