My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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