if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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