I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
