You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
