How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
