i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize