Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
