I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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