I accidentally had phone sex last night
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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