I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My dick has a subreddit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
