It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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