There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
