I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
there is glitter all over my balls
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
