I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
