He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
