I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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