Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
