I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
