It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
