he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
