don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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