omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
